The L-word. 

Love. Ever since I was a little girl and I watched The Notebook, I’ve been obsessed with love. With the feeling that it gives, the thought of two people truly having such a strong connection to one another, to give to one another, and to make each other happy. I would always get this warm and longing feeling in my heart when I would see someone around me “in love”. As I continued to get older, I wanted it more and more, so I sought it in a relationship with a guy. I would try to mold the relationship the way that I felt that it was supposed to be, like it needed help, or wouldn’t just come naturally. When I was 17, I feel in love with a boy from my high school, but because we were too young, and the timing was really bad, we broke up. 

I was devastated because I just KNEW that he was supposed to be the love of my life. Years passed, and I still feel a certain connection to him but we are not together. Even in college, I longed for this “perfect love” and “perfect imperfect relationship” from another person. Unfortunately, as you can guess, these relationships were either prolonged much longer than they should have been, or they were very short lived, with a lot of risk involved. 

I have always grown up in the church, it’s literally all I know. Giving my life to the Lord when I was 7 years old, I felt like I truly had given my life to God, while still trying to “dip my toe”, if you will, in the pool of this world. A happy medium. 

There was always a part of me that would feel insecure, incomplete, and inadequate because I didn’t have a relationship, even though it seemed like everyone around me was extremely successful in theirs. For years, I felt like it was something that I was doing wrong, like it was curse or punishment that God was giving me because of something that I had done in the past.

I must not be good enough. I must be ugly, be a bad person, not be someone who is going to marry because of this or that, the list goes on. I tried for so long to make myself “better” or to make the “relationships” better based on what I thought was important. 

It wasn’t until I was 22, right before my 23rd birthday, that I decided that I am going to stop running. Stop trying to force God’s plan before its time. Even though I am still working to this day on trusting Him with everything, I am going to allow Him to be God. Ask Him to change my heart and deliver me. Singleness is NOT a punishment. It is NOT a curse. It is a time where we can devote our undivided attention to Him, getting to know Him better, and thus getting to know ourselves that much better. He has not forgotten about you. If he gave you the desires to be married, he will give that to you, in His perfect timing.

I listen to a podcast of a church in NC, and he was ministering on God sometimes putting you in this circumstances that seem too difficult for Him to handle, not because He can’t do it, but because He is doing something even deeper than that which will have a much more lasting impression. That thing, beneath the thing.

Until you really learn what true love is, how can you love and give yourself to someone else. God gave His Son to die on the cross for you so that you could be saved. This is the purest form of love that there is, and until you really seek to love and live for Him, none of your relationships will truly last. Crave a love in Him so deep that regardless of what happens, you are and will continue to be fulfilled. 

Marriage will come if that’s what you truly want and pray for. Don’t think that if you don’t obsess over it that God won’t grant it to you. He will. He gave you the desire of your heart for a reason, but seek Him first and foremost out of anything else that you do. 

I know that in this season God is preparing me for a man of God that will be so much more than anything that I have ever dreamt of, but I have to be patient and wait on Him. On His timing. This is also a time to ask God to prepare you to be the spouse that He would have to be. 

Have you stopped to think that maybe it’s YOU that isn’t ready yet? 

Trust. Open your heart to Him. Be ready to listen. Be obedient. Be patient. Be encouraged. 

– J.

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3 comments

  1. At times I definitely do because, outside of God, I don’t feel like people truly understand who I am. Partially because I haven’t fully shown who I am. And with that, I have almost “categorized” them based on how much of myself I feel that I can reveal. I have now decided that I’m going to show all of who I am and trust that if they are in my corner they will accept me and if they aren’t, that’s fine as well. Now where God is concerned, I didn’t understand how He is this causing frustration on my end since I haven’t taken the time to truly begin to get to know Him. I hope that answers your questions. Lol.

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  2. Well, I don’t think I’m an examiner dear….

    But, you were good… Like your response “people don’t know you because, they don’t know all about you”….

    Thank you …. Hope you don’t write your script all by yourself.

    And, please when you are going to know God, would you give me a call?

    Cheers!

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