I have to be honest with you. I’m frustrated. Annoyed. Irritated. On one hand, I thank You for the very breath that I breathe, on the other, I don’t like waiting. Waiting for your promises, for the things that you told me, the desires that You have placed in my heart that have not come to pass yet. I think the toughest reality is recognizing that even in the midst of the growth that I have had, the changes that I have made, the new path that I am following You on, I’m still broken. Still hurting, still in pain. Still possibly not ready. Ready for You to take me to that next season, to that next place. I still very well may not be ready. I have envisioned this transition to look like this, to feel like that, to happen like this………..but yet, here I am. Here. Broken. Frustrated. Annoyed. You are the One and only reason that I even have an existence, a purpose, a hope, and a future. You. My Father and Savior. In the midst of my flesh, my emotions, I thank You.
Sometimes it can feel like I watch so many around me transition into the places that I have longed for my entire life, and yet here I am. Comparison. Lack of trusting in Your timing along with coveting my next season. Often wanting to fight the unique story that You have written for me.But I will say this, in the midst of being frustrated, annoyed, angry, and broken, I know that in being honest with You, You are taking this very pieces of me and constructing them into something that will change my life and the lives of those around me.
As long as I trust You. Follow You. Give it all up to you. No eye has seen, no ear has heard, all that You have in store for those that love You. And though I may be bad at showing it, I love You with everything that I have in my soul. I am literally nothing without You. I thank You for what I do have, what is being prepared for me, what I didn’t receive that I deserved (mercy), what I have been able to do in the lives of those around me.
It is not easy following Your lead. Trusting in Your promises to me. Not letting insecurity, rejection, abandonment, and so many other things that I deal with daily, keep me from getting to You, leaving them at Your feet & letting You fill me back up with Your love. But I will follow You. Through being angry, annoyed, impatient, frustrated, and broken, letting You take the lead. In Your perfect timing, your promises with prevail. I love You Lord, keep me, protect me, & forgive me.
Your thankful & undeserving servant,